Thursday, March 24, 2011


197.6 lbs

This is a bit odd because I expected to break the cycle a bit. I won't scoff at .6 lbs. It's just so normal for this day of the week. Sigh. We might see the 196 lb mark which would be fun but we'll see, oh yes, we'll see. On a related note my body fat has been falling recently, so I would suspect that by upping my level of activity I am trading fat for lean muscle mass. That is something I can measure, so I will withhold judgment on the new "Polly" for now.


Oh America with your glut of glowing fast food signs from sea to shining sea, how I love thee! We here in America love our food. We have two T.V. channels and several programs on various outlets that help us to embrace our passion. Ben Franklin was right. Our national bird should be the turkey instead of the bald eagle because the damned idiotic things are so tasty. Now I have never eaten a bald eagle, so I am just making an assumption that they would taste a bit gamier than our illustrious Thanksgiving friend. Heck even our flag is Coca-Cola red and white. But what about blue then? We have to save space for the Pepsi drinkers. That's why the blue is pushed into a corner. In America, we are inclusive but only so much. Again, another sentence, another assumption. I am only assuming the flag are those colors because of my limited American public school education. Oh and the fact that we, as Americans, spend $73.9 billion a year on carbonated soft drinks might have something to do with it.

Here in America, if you eat too much food or drink too many sugary sodas, help is always available. You couldn't possibly miss the legions of fellow Americans who want you to lose that extra weight if you are sitting or laying in front of your T.V.. They are there to make sure you can fit into those pants or that very special dress. They speak so scholarly and authoritatively and enthusiastically about you losing that 10 lbs! There are our leading scholars (actors) showing us that you can lose weight too, all you gotta do is dial or click and the miracle of modern American medical science can be yours. Screw raising the dead, parting large bodies of water with a staff or talking to burning bushes; American miracles come in pill form and book form and online website form. In America, anyone can perform a miracle on themselves for a small price plus shipping and handling. All those weight loss miracles and remedies add up to around $40 billion a year. See? In America, even our miracles can turn a profit!

Here in America, we believe in education which is why almost every child before the age of 3, regardless of race or nation of origin, can say multi-syllabic words like "McDonald's" and "Dairy Queen" and "Ice Age 6 - Ice and the Furious". We believe in education so much we even make cereal boxes educational! Find the Captain each day and tell me you do not feel smarter for knowing that he is lost in the Crunchberry Forest (I really want to visit there someday, I have travel plans). Speaking of cereal, our scientists are so fantastic they were able to make our morning food look like tiny cookies - now with more whole grains (1-2% - your mileage may vary)!

Here in America, we believe in leisure and we talk about exercise a lot. We believe in rest and relaxation but we also know when it is time to finally get off our butts and slide our calcium deficient rubbery bones off our couches. We sign up for gym memberships we will never use and buy clothes that we will never shove ourselves into as an incentive to move more. We support whole segments of hard working fellow Americans this way. The gym industry knows this which is why they sell thousands of memberships to a building that, by fire code, will only house 50 at a time. It's not that we don't want to go to the gym in America, we just feel it is impolite to spend too much time there. As for leisure, we got that down pat and we make sure we export our expertise in this regard to the world with movies, TV and video games. We are a very sharing nation. And from what T.V. tells me - sharing is caring.

Here in America, we have become so efficient as not to lose any leisure time to pesky exercise at the gym that we have items you can purchase and do pesky exericise in your own home! In front of your T.V.! Try that in Bulgaria! You can buy items with creative names that start with 'ab' and... wait, that's about it - ab.

Here in America, we have the best healthcare on Earth. Do you disagree? Well then, how can a surgeon on a coke binge out driving his Ferrari while getting a handjob from a 20 something the previous night be able to suck the fat out of your ass and inject it in your lips at 9 am the next morning? Tell me that. Skill, I tell ya! If you can't diet your way, drug your way or exercise your way to a better you, surgery is always there to help. Surgery, I might add, that is performed by people with the highest ethics and concern for the community at large. Sure, they could have went into general practice or saved patients in a smelly ICU with their superior skills but making people look like they just wrapped their mouth around a red hot tail pipe is more important. I'm sure you'll agree.

Here in America, such a land of opportunity and freedom of choice, it's a wonder we aren't all Greek gods. Which begs the question: why then are we still so damn fat?

1 comment:

  1. What i have never understood is those people think that pills and bursts of exercise will drop the pounds but shy away from any physical exercise or cut down on the processed fake food.